Death from above

In recent news it seems Farmers in Romania are eying their chickens nervously whilst police seal off the area and get ready to incinerate the wildlife with a vengeance. Yep that’s right, it seems avian flu is getting ready to annihilate us all and like every natural disaster that we know is going to happen some time beforehand, governments of the world are under preparing. As usual none shall be taken more by surprise at the sheer killing power of nature than the United Hillbillies of the George Bush Whitehouse who have ordered enough Vaccine for a whopping 1% of their population. Then again when I really think about it Great Britain has only ordered enough vaccine for 20% of the population, which means that unless the bigwigs suddenly realise that I am the rightful heir to the throne after all, I won’t be getting any. In any case it seems that the US government feel that there is a much smaller percentage of Americans than anyone else who are imperative to the further advancement of the human race. I think I agree with them too.

I think the animals want revenge. For god knows how long we have bred them only in order to slaughter them and feast on their succulent tasty flesh. I mean I’d be pretty pissed off if it was me, and probably slightly crazy from being fed my ground up relatives.
In the past few years we’ve had farm animals trying to kill us left right and centre with the cows coming strong using the extremely random and deadly BSE which only had the drawback that it didn’t spread between humans and was quickly stamped out when everyone stopped buying British beef. This made farmers realise that the only way to get people to buy their beef again was to start stocking the type that didn’t kill people, although the odd case will probably still come up for years to come.

After this the sheep and the pigs decided it was their turn and genius struck in the form of foot and mouth disease. Unfortunately for them this didn’t kill humans, or even affect them in any way at all. What it did do was gross the British nation out enough to stop eating lamb and pork for a good while and cause farmers nationwide to go berserk and start cremating the critters en masse. Not that this course of action actually stopped the spread of anything but it certainly let the farmers show the pigs and sheep who wears the trousers in that relationship.

Now we face what is potentially the most lethal assault of all, and who should it come from but the birds. Not just chickens I might add, but any bird you can think of. The avian flu they carry threatens to mutate at any time and kill around 50 million people worldwide and all we can do at this time is put our heads in our laps and scream.

It seems that through all their suffering and genetic enhancements the animals have finally evolved the intelligence necessary to attack mankind and In light of this new and damning evidence I for one think it’s time to go to war. Why not? We seem to declare war or police action on damn near everything else these days, although the idea of the SAS storming cow sheds in West Yorkshire whilst BBC news reports that The RAF blew up a children’s hospital because they mistook it for a strategic chicken coop just doesn’t fit right in my mind.

It does however get me thinking: Why does this stuff always happen to the farm animals and common wildlife? I mean were never under threat from a chronic rhino stomach bug or some mutated tiger influenza. Is it all down to the way we treat the farm animals? Breeding them to feed them to each other and then torture them before we eat them? Or perhaps it’s because nature feels that tigers already have enough defences without being able to spray lethal diseases at as too.

In any case the bird’s final glorious assault is coming. Still, before you burst into the neighbours house to strangle their budgie whilst screaming something about death from above, please think: Would you be doing this if it was a tiger that could just as easily eat you to death as give you Measles?

Anyway i'm off to Bulgaria now, do think about it whilst im on the road.....

Gods Emissary

So today I feel totally rotten. Some cynics might put it down to all that turpentine I drank last night, but I think that’s just jumping to conclusions. Anyway on with the update:

How many of us loved Lock, stock and two smoking barrels? What about Snatch? I’d say most of the people I’ve come across who have seen these films either said they loved them and thought they were genius, or said they were disappointed because they saw the titles and thought they were renting hardcore porn. Moving on, Guy Ritchie’s latest addition to this genre is Revolver, which unless you have some odd revolving door fetish, can in no way be mistaken for porn. However taking into consideration that it stars Jason Statham and is directed by Guy Ritchie, it can quite easily trick you into thinking you are about to see a Lock stock or snatch style of film. Let me first say that this film is almost nothing like Guy Ritchie’s earlier movies. It is unexpectedly complex and needs to be watched more than once and possibly more than twice to fully comprehend. Anybody who tells you that they have seen it and understood every part and had no questions after the first viewing is either Guy Ritchie or they are making it up so that they can look highly intellectual in order to seduce you.

I am not going to sit here and guide you through the film scene by scene as not only would this take bloody ages but it’d probably be just as exciting as reading the script and about as frustrating as having the script read to you, by Tony Blair. Whilst trying to make love. Instead I am going to highlight a single part of the film that really did not make sense to me at all and go through the possible explanations. Then after the vain hope that some people might actually read this, I’m going to sit back and wait for the e-mails and comments that call me a noob and complain but also hopefully give me the answer. So here goes:

Why is it that when Jake Green (Jason Statham) finds out from Avi and Zach that he has only 3 days to live because of rare blood infection, he then gives them all his money and starts doing jobs for them. I mean it’s not like they offer him a cure or anything they just give him the bad news and a hospital chart result thingy and tell him that he’s got to do everything they say or… or what? He will die in 3 days? How a master chess player and a master conman stop a man dying from a rare blood infection I don’t know. The reason being of course being that they don’t, Jake Green never had the infection, somehow they faked his test results and fooled several completely different medical experts. As far as I can tell there are only two explanations for this part of the film:

1) I have only seen the film once so I may conceivably have missed the part where they say “do what we tell you and we give you the cure” although I find this unlikely as Jake never brings it up again, right up until 3 days have gone past and he doesn’t die. You’d think if there was a promised cure he would mention it rather than just give away everything he has to strangers and wait for death.

2) Jake Green thinks he is Gods emissary. Sounds crazy but think about it, he gives away everything he has, he knows when he’s going to die and isn’t even pretending to try and do anything about it. Then he starts talking in a cryptic manor and forgiving his enemies and all that malarkey. Perhaps he thinks that he can come back all powerful and start smiting everyone. Obviously when he doesn’t actually die this puts a dampener on things a bit but by this time it doesn’t matter because the movie has gone into nonsensical overload and everyone’s just wishing that the cinema people would be kind enough to stop the screening so that Guy Ritchie can be brought in by armed police for a bit of a question and answer session and perhaps a light pistol whipping.

See you next time kids!

Introduction

This is an Urgent message being broadcast on all frequencies from the Deep space exploration ship Curious Penguin: At approximately 5876.556 gamma quadrant time, an entity known only as Walexei took control of the vessel. The crew were forced to watch in horror as the entity ejected all escape pods into a nearby sun. The decorated captain Osmond simply saying “I’ve got to hand it to him, that looked totally awesome”. The crew were then told to stay calm and that they would not be harmed as long as they adhered to a few simple rules:

a) The crew must in no way try to regain any control over the ship
b) The crew must be ready to assist Walexei in any way they can and must also be ready to lay down their lives in a variety of pointless but nonetheless interesting ways.
c) This message must be broadcast on all frequencies at all times
d) The crew must be prepared to live on nothing but Tubes of fish paste and Bovril as Walexei had accidentally jettisoned the cargo whilst trying to work out how to switch the Radio to Virgin FM.

Seeing they had no choice the crew reluctantly agreed to these demands with only a few minor attempts at suicide. When asked why he was doing this, Walexei simply replied that he thought it would be a bit of a giggle.
Walexei then plotted a course for the earths orbit with an estimated journey time of 18 years and 7 months. The crew, having nothing in particular to do at this time, got out the board games.

Message ends.

This message was created 18 years and 7 months ago…..

Recently the Curious Penguin arrived in the earths orbit; however Walexei’s original plans of landing in Hyde Park and sending the droids out to zap a few ducks and mime artists to stir up the media have long since changed. Years of floating through deep space alone (the crew having been wiped out years before in the Cleudo/scrabble wars) had calmed and matured Walexei and he had long ago decided that it was much more fun to stay cloaked in the Earths orbit and transmit inane ramblings and silly articles to the lonely planet on a regular basis, thus boggling the feeble earth scientists minds even further and perhaps getting a few laughs along the way.

And so a saga began……

So here it begins! My first ever update on this Blog. I originally got the idea to start a blog because of my desire to keep a record of my impending journey across the world to the mysterious and sunny island of roo beasts and Koalas, where ill be travelling around and studying the behaviour of the occupants for 6 months. That’s Australia for those of you living in holes. Yep on the 10th of November around about 6:15 PM Ill be sitting in a British airways Boeing 747, soiling my trousers over being locked in a box miles above the earth for 12 hours. If all goes well then ill just get totally trollied and perhaps only launch a strategic assault on the cockpit once or twice. I also get I get a 3 day shopping trip in Hong Kong on the way where ill be able to purchase cheap electronics and possibly experience the taste of Tiddles the unfortunate moggy.

Anyhoo, I start this now because I want to get to terms with writing regular updates, and I also won’t just be posting Australia related stuff, ill be putting up articles and updates and weird ramblings on a semi regular basis, should anyone have some strange desire to read that.

Smoke me a kitten, ill be back for Christmas (or not, as the case may be).