NaNoWriMo

Howdy, just thought id pop on to say sorry for the lack of update in the last 12 days or so, but as you know I’ve been in Bulgaria. I’ll post an update all about my hilarious misadventures starring the police, the staff of the Hilton hotel, Gypsies and guns as soon as I’m back in England. For now I’d like to talk about a task I have undertaken. On the 31’st of October I signed up for nanowrimo or National Novel Writers Month after seeing it talked about on www.fullyramblomatic.com . I read all about it on their site http://www.nanowrimo.org/ and decided to join the fun. Nanowrimo is a yearly event that anyone can get involved in, in which you have to write a 50’000 word novel in the space of only one month. You don’t win anything as such but you do get some sort of certificate if you reach the 50’000 mark. In any case it’s all just a good laugh and as good a reason as any to see what I could come up with. Let me say at this point that due to the time restrictions involved, the quality in some parts can be rather low and some of it may look rushed. This is perfectly acceptable as nanowrimo is all about quantity and not quality. Lucky me. It is however a start to an idea that I may develop on in the future. If you do however in youre future lives see my novel in the New York times bestseller then you can be sure that you are on a heavy dose of chemicals, or that I finally rule the world and therefore everything I write makes the bestseller list. Anyway without further adieu I present what I have so far:

Cheers - Walexei

Morning dew had settled on the few cars along this road, glittering in the hopeful rays of a dawning sun. It was a typical British spring Daybreak, with that rousing chill to the crisp air that you only really get on a bright morning at around six or seven. It was on days like this that some men and women threw open their windows, sucked in a lungful of air and then sung all the way to work, pausing only to have a short dance routine with the milkman and any number of street urchins who cared to join in. Luckily for mankind this mostly only happened in films set in the mountains of Austria where it’s illegal to behave any differently.
On this particular road two men shambled along looking disheveled and apparently completely oblivious to each others existence. The taller one was dressed in his usual attire of an immaculate black suit and expensive Italian shoes, although these clothes were now ragged and slightly torn in places having clearly seen some action recently. The mans longish blonde hair swept over his sunken eyes in an untidy fashion and the expression on his unshaven face was that of an man who had seen so much that nothing could surprise him now.
The other man was clad entirely in black cloth covering everything except his eyes. These same eyes showed complete exhaustion but were constantly on the move, scanning the environment as if something might jump out and attack them or try to sell them something at any moment. Slung across his back was what looked very much like a sheathed sword and secreted about his person was any number of sharp objects that were indistinguishable as weapons or tools. Neither man knew exactly where they were or where they were heading. Nothing was certain for them any more, not after the events of the last 24 hours, which incidentally had not included sleep. Eventually they came to a modern looking building with glass doors and an enticing smell wafting from it. The men’s eyes met for a moment, they shared a nod and began to walk with purpose toward the doors which slid open in a welcoming way, the fans above them briefly bathing them in warm air. The counter was manned by a lone young man labeled “Tim”. Tim looked no more than 16 and as such life had not prepared him for a morning like this one.
It was the shorter black clad one that spoke first:
“Greetings, I am Tetso Umazaki of the Genshin clan and this is my accomplice Dan West. We wish for a flagon of your finest rice wine and information on a man that may have passed through this area recently”
The other man seemed to be holding the bridge of his nose and slowly shaking his head, eyes closed. Tim was nonplussed. Tetso continued:
“He goes by the name of Dragon with tigers claw and would have been carrying the legendary Scythe of demons judgment which you would no doubt recognize.”
“Uhh Mr. Stevens...?” called Tim nervously toward the office
“For Christs sake Clive!” Exploded the other man whilst staring at Tetso in disbelief “for the last time, you are not a ninja of the Genshin clan, this is not feudal japan, there is no such person as Dragon with tigers fucking claw! Now will you please stop pissing about and order your McDonalds, keeping in mind that they do not serve rice wine.”
“Their sushi selection disappoints me” Said the apparent Clive.
“He will have the Filet o’ fish meal please and if you could undercook it as much as possible then that would be super. I’ll have a big mac meal and a coffee.”
“I…I’m sorry sir I…Um…Those things are all on the lunchtime menu and its breakfast right now…” gibbered Tim, eyeing the sword on tetso’s back nervously and looking close to panic.
“Oh that’s fine I’ll….” began Dan
“Do you wish me to dishonor my katana by cleaving you in two with it?!” cried Tetso looking furious.
Dan just sighed and put his face in his hands
“I’m so sorry about all this” he said to Tim who at this point was hiding beneath the counter and whimpering.

4 Days earlier.....

In Paris the rain was barreling down in a way that could only be described as torrential, or as BBC weather would put it “Bright with a chance of a light breeze from the west”. In the business district stood a building, completely indistinguishable from of the other buildings in this area. Bland on the outside and with a faded advert for an out of business cat food company on the roof. The main door just a large brown wooden entrance with a buzzer on the outside. Nobody knew what was in this building and nobody cared. For Twenty three years the agency had conducted all of its European and Asian operations from this building. Business that changed the world and yet the public was completely oblivious to its existence, the agency wanted to keep things that way.
The agency employed those with certain skills and experience, mainly as assassins or master thieves for hire to those who could pay the extremely large fee. However the agency also hired out bodyguards, although they didn’t call them that. They called them guardian angels, for the simple reason that if you had one of them looking after your welfare, you would never even find out that your life was in danger. Let alone that somebody had decided to pay the agency to keep an eye on you.
Greg Winters had a Darwinian approach to the running of the agency. More than once a party had paid for an individuals elimination only for another party to pay for a guardian angel to keep the individual alive. Normally an organization such as this would only take one of these jobs on for obvious reasons, but the agency considered it to be good practice for their employees to be pit against each other. Survival of the fittest they called it, who better to perfect your skills against than somebody of at least equal ability? It was for this reason that agents were introduced to each other only on very rare occasions. This was one of those occasions. He reclined on his chair in his office on the third floor and browsed the portfolio in front of him; it contained all of the usual data: Name, Age, description, recent photos etc. This one had a fairly standard background, but then that was odd in itself for an employee of the agency.
Daniel West had grown up in a normal suburban home just outside Reading in the UK, had loving parents and one brother. A very competitive individual, played rugby on his school team, his lanky legs and smaller frame put him out on the wings as a runner. Went to college and studied Biology but lost interest and dropped out after only two weeks, joined the army as an infantryman and was soon recognized to be a natural master with any firearm or explosive put into his hands. Served in the Gulf war in 1991 where after several acts of bravery and heroism and unusual initiative on the part of an infantryman he was recruited into the British SAS. Trained and operated with them for 6 years before the agency approached him discreetly and offered him a position. His competitive streak led him to accept almost immediately as the prospect of working among the best in the world as well as earning a pile of money enticed him. An accomplished assassin and guardian angel but not recommended as a thief due to his sometimes heavy handed approach to objectives (see report B-3375).
Greg chuckled at this last line; it had been added 4 years ago after Daniel was sent to southern India to acquire documents detailing the location of some treasure or other that was apparently important to the client. The documents were in possession of a wealthy landowner who lived in what could only be described as a heavily guarded fortress just outside Tuticorin. Not seeing the point of all this sneaking around and hiding in the shadows with a lock pick malarkey as he had put it, he simply crashed his helicopter into the section of the complex where the documents were being kept, shot 3 guards who had managed to get their wits together in the panic, grabbed the paperwork and sped out on a nearby convenient humvee.
The thing about Daniel West was that everything always seemed to be so damn convenient; there was always a nearby abandoned vehicle and a gate with one inept guard. The bad guys never seemed to just shoot him in the head, they always captured him and told him all their secrets before walking off and leaving his cell door unlocked and guarded by one man who falls asleep as soon as he sits down. The secret blueprints were always stored in the master bedroom in an easily smashed chest of drawers or the key was being held by the sultans wife who would only open it if Daniel promised to run away with her somewhere exotic. Then he always seemed to lose them by the time he was given his next assignment. Where was he hiding them all? Greg Winters dared not imagine Daniels home lest it be filled with a thousand angry housewives all demanding to go shopping and have shelves put up. The thought sent a shiver down Greg’s spine and reminded him it was his anniversary on Saturday.
Well this one will fix him thought Greg, this assignment will throw him to no end. He didn’t ever want to put his agents in unnecessary danger but he thought it was all going to easy for Daniel West so a challenge wouldn’t go amiss once in awhile. Even so it wasn’t the assignment that was so bad, it was more his partner on this that would be the problem.
The intercom on Greg’s desk buzzed causing him to spin back into reality. He reached down and pushed a button.
“Yes Hannah?”
“Daniel West is here to see you Mr. Winters”
“Thank you Hannah, send him in”
The door clicked open and in stepped the man himself, in his immaculate black suit and polished Italian shoes as always, his blonde hair tied back in a pony tail. He nodded a greeting to Greg and sat himself down in the comfy leather chair opposite.
“So what have you got for me Greg? Some eastern European businessman encroached on the wrong patch of oil? The President of Paraguay wants the Blue Ruby of Dagnakaer for his new wife?”
“Are you a religious man Dan?”
Dan’s eyebrows rose at this
“Is this about all those enraged leaders of the Hindu community? Because I swear I have no idea how all those cows got caught up in the combine harvester, it was a blind corner! And as for the peanut factory…”
“What?...No, no Dan it’s not about that, just answer the question please.”
“You know I’m not into the whole worshipping god malarkey Greg, I just do his dirty work from time to time and reap the rewards. Why do you ask old friend?”
“Well I didn’t think you were, but surely you’ve had some religious education?”
“Well I’m aware of basic practice of the major world religions, but I also take an interest in some of the stranger aspects of religious society. For example did you know that enough people in the UK put their religious standing as Jedi on the census form that it now qualifies as a proper sect, eligible to receive funding from the government if it so wishes?”
“No I didn’t, I must say that’s completely absurd”
“I take offence at that, I myself am a Jedi knight of the highest order” replied Dan looking completely serious and slightly hurt.
Greg sighed and shook his head.
“For the last time Dan, I’m not going to plow funding into the research and development department for them to try and build you a lightsabre, you’d only look ridiculous anyway. Now can I get on with what I was going to say?”
Dan looked dejected for a moment but then smiled
“Please do young Padawan”
Greg ignored this and continued.
“The Christian faith believes that the son of God, Jesus Christ came to earth just over 2000 years ago, did some good deeds and the promptly died for mans sins, The Jewish faith on the other hand refuses to accept that Jesus Christ was the son of God and is still waiting for the messiah to arrive upon the earth and save us all. I gather you are familiar with this?”
“Indeed I am, although I’m taken to wonder if this is going somewhere or if you have brought me here for some moral discussion and perhaps ask me to change my ways. I don’t mind either as long as you don’t ask me to help with a jumble sale or charity fundraiser to fix the church roof.”
Always with the humour, thought Greg. Dan certainly had an ego, but then who wouldn’t with a reputation like his? He won’t be laughing in a few days.
“Yesterday afternoon a woman by the name of Elena Wright walked into a Jewish Synagogue in Ohio, took to the alter and professed to everyone attendant that she is the daughter of God come to save their souls then went on to preach something or other, the details are a little hazy on that. Needless to say the congregation didn’t take it all that well and decided to forcefully remove her. I think after that she must’ve said or done something really bad because they congregation decided that they wanted blood.”
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my time its never upset and Israeli welcoming party, they’re rather shortcoming on the sausage rolls and champagne” Mused Dan. The last time he had been in Israel he had parachuted into Jerusalem, released an alligator into the Parliament building, shot the minister for Justice and run off with his daughter.
“She narrowly escaped being lynched when the police turned up and arrested her for her own safety. Halfway to the station the arresting officer turns to the back to check on her and finds nothing but empty cuffs lying on the seat. They immediately searched the surrounding area but found nothing, like she just disappeared.”
“An act of God perhaps?” suggested Dan, Greg chuckled at this
“Well, the local police claim that the Handcuffs must’ve been faulty and the door must not have been shut properly but the arresting officer insists that he double checked both. In any case they aren’t too worried about catching her as they were only taking her for her own benefit.”
“A mystery eh, so where is she now?”
“Well our intelligence has tracked her throughout Ohio; she seems to just be wandering aimlessly at the moment. The incident occurred in Dayton and since then there have been more minor reports of incidents at Synagogues in Fairborn and Springfield after which she’s just disappeared into thin air again. Given that the most recent disturbance was only two hours ago we suspect she is still in the Springfield area. So far the national press is taking no interest at all and the local press is just passing her off as a wacko, makes a good filler story.”
“So who’s to say she isn’t?”
“The people paying us an amount of money I can’t disclose to keep her alive. It seems they think she’s in more danger than just being lynched by some angry Jews, and for some reason they want us to keep an eye on her make sure she doesn’t get into trouble too deep to handle. Personally I think she’s just a crackpot ready for the funny farm but then we don’t get paid to ask questions. Here take a look at this.” He chucked a brown envelope into Dan’s lap and then sat back.
“Wow I’m astonished Greg” Said Dan, looking genuinely surprised.
“Shocking isn’t it?” replied Greg.
“Definitely, it’s this month’s issue of ‘Slender boys in skimpy shorts’. I had no idea you were into such things Greg.”
“What?! God no…wrong envelope…not mine!” was all Greg managed, eyes wide. He seemed to be hyperventilating, attempting to hide, find the right envelope and snatch the one Dan was holding back all at the same time resulting in a frantic dance, sure to entertain royalty but completely inappropriate for the office environment. After much kafuffle, in which the right envelope was found, the wrong one hidden and Dan West forced to take a vow at gunpoint to never talk of the events of the last 5 minutes, Dan was finally looking at the right documents and saw what was shocking. This woman, no, girl as she could be no more than 22 years of age was beautiful. Not just beautiful but absolutely stunning beyond all imagination. He found himself sitting there with his mouth wide open and just staring when Greg finally spoke and broke his trance.
“Tell me Dan, what colour is her hair?”
Dan thought this a rather silly question; surely Greg had seen the photo hadn’t he? However he was so taken aback by the sight before him that he just answered straight.
“Blonde, long and blonde, almost damning to the eyes.”
“And her eyes?”
“Green” whispered Dan.
“That’s really funny you know because I could look at that picture now and swear she had the finest locks of red hair and shining blue eyes. I think If I called in my driver Robert he’d see a girl with a Latino complexion and Brown eyes, he goes for that sort of thing.”
“What are you saying Greg?”
“I’m saying that this girl is not altogether you’re average young suburban housewife. It seems that people see her differently, at first we thought it might be that people only saw their idea of perfection but some local news reports her as being an old hag or a grossly overweight burn victim. Were not sure exactly how it works yet but then to be honest it’s only really out of curiosity that we care, as long as she stays alive we get paid.”
“Well you can count on me as always Greg, when do I fly out?”
“As soon as your partner gets here” He seemed to relish the word ‘Partner’. Dan didn’t like the sound of it.
“I’ve never needed a partner before, they only get in the way, you don’t trust my abilities anymore or something?”
“Actually our clients have requested that there are two agents on this job at all times, and I for one am completely willing to abide as long as they cough up. Don’t worry; you’re being paired with one of the best agents ever to grace this office. Well most of the time anyway. Well sometimes.”
Dan began to protest but then something in the corner caught his eye, it was as though the shadows had just moved and re-adjusted. Dan rubbed his eyes and stared for a moment. The he looked at Greg who simply smiled and said”
“Dan West, meet Clive Harolds, although at this time I think he prefers to be called Tetso Umazaki.”